Nadya Sharfina

"It's not just the big moments in parenting that matter—it's how we handle the little ones, again and again."

Parenting is full of moments where we’re just trying to do our best with the time, energy, and knowledge we have. Some days go smoothly, while others feel like a constant balancing act. Most parents genuinely want to support their children, guide them well, and raise them with care. However, even with the best intentions, it’s easy to fall into habits that might not be as helpful as we think.

Many parenting missteps aren’t loud or obvious. They often appear in small, everyday moments: how we respond to a tantrum, how we discuss school, or how we manage arguments between siblings. These patterns can have more impact than we realise over time. 

Failing to Listen Truly

One of the most common parenting slip-ups is not really listening to our kids. It’s easy to jump into “fix-it” mode when they come to us with a problem, offering advice or corrections before they’ve even finished talking. When we rush to solve or dismiss what they’re saying however, we unintentionally send the message that their feelings or thoughts aren’t important. Over time, this can create emotional distance, making kids less likely to open up in the future.

Instead, try slowing down and practising active listening. This means giving your child your full attention, making eye contact, and showing real interest in what they’re saying, without immediately jumping in with advice. Even a few minutes of focused listening can go a long way. When children feel truly heard and understood, it strengthens their self-esteem and builds a deeper, more trusting connection between them and yourself. It’s not about having all the answers, it’s about being present.

Comparing Siblings or Other Children

It’s easy to fall into the habit of comparing your child to a sibling, a cousin, or even a classmate,sometimes without even realising it. Comments like “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” or “Your friend finished that faster” might seem harmless in the moment, but they can leave a lasting impression. When kids feel like they’re being measured against someone else, they may start to believe they’re not good enough just as they are. This can create tension between siblings and put distance between you and your child, even when that’s not your intention.

Comparisons can also set up a kind of invisible competition at home. Instead of working together or feeling proud of each other, kids might start to feel like they’re always trying to prove themselves, or worse, that they’ll never measure up. Every child has their own pace, interests, and strengths. Noticing and appreciating those differences without stacking them against each other helps everyone feel more seen and accepted for who they are.

Shaming Instead of Teaching

When kids act out or break the rules, it can be frustrating, especially after a long day. In those moments, it’s tempting to say things like “What’s wrong with you?” or “You never think before you act.” These kinds of comments don’t teach children how to behave differently. Instead, they make them feel like there’s something wrong about who they are, not just what they did. For example, if a child spills something after being told to be careful, saying “You’re so careless” doesn’t help them understand the mistake, it just leaves them feeling judged.

Discipline should guide, not shame. Kids need to know what behaviour is unacceptable, and why, without being made to feel like they’re the problem. A more helpful approach would be, “I asked you to put the juice away, spilling it makes a mess that we both have to clean up now.” It keeps the focus on the action, not the child. When consequences are fair, clear, and tied to what actually happened, children are more likely to learn and adjust. They also feel respected and that makes them more open to listening the next time around. Check out: Disciplining Kids: Punishment or Consequences?

Too Much Praise, Too Much Protection

Many parents naturally want to give their kids the best start in life, and that often means stepping in to help or offering constant encouragement.Sometimes, without realising it, this can go too far. When children are praised for everything they do, no matter how small or routine, it can make them dependent on approval instead of learning to value the effort itself. They might start doing things just to hear “good job,” instead of finding their motivation.

In a similar way, always jumping in to protect kids from frustration or discomfort can keep them from learning how to deal with everyday challenges. It might feel like you’re helping, but it can actually hold them back. Letting kids make small mistakes, solve their problems, and feel a little uncomfortable now and then helps them grow. They need space to try, stumble, and figure things out on their own, with you there to support, not shield every step.

Dismissing Their Feelings

When a child is upset, it can be tempting to calm them down quickly with phrases like “You’re fine” or “It’s not a big deal.” While the intention might be to soothe, these responses can make kids feel like their emotions don’t matter. Over time, brushing off their feelings, especially the difficult ones, can make it harder for them to understand and handle what they’re going through. Instead of learning how to manage strong emotions, they may start to ignore or hide them, thinking they’re not allowed to feel that way.

Children don’t always have the words to explain what they’re feeling, which makes it even more helpful when parents take the time to name emotions with them “It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated”, or “That must have been disappointing.” This kind of support gives kids a better understanding of what’s happening inside and shows them that emotions aren’t something to be afraid of or ashamed of. When we acknowledge their feelings and guide them toward calming tools, like taking deep breaths or stepping away for a moment, they begin to build healthy ways of coping that will stay with them for years.

Putting Too Much Pressure on Performance

Many parents care deeply about their child’s education and want to see them do well in school. That’s completely understandable. But when all the attention is placed on grades, test scores, or awards, kids can start to feel like their worth depends only on how they perform. This kind of pressure can take the joy out of learning and make them more anxious about making mistakes. Instead of exploring, asking questions, or enjoying the process, they may begin to chase only the outcome and fear falling short.

Children thrive when effort, curiosity, and growth are noticed and appreciated. Saying things like “I’m proud of how hard you worked on that project” or “You stuck with it even when it got tricky” can go a long way. These moments help kids feel seen for who they are, not just for what they achieve. When parents make room for both academic growth and emotional well-being, children are more likely to stay engaged and develop a healthy relationship with learning that lasts far beyond any report card.

Not Noticing When They Do Well

It’s easy to get caught up in correcting things that go wrong, missed chores, talking back, and unfinished homework. When kids are doing well, following through, or making an effort, those moments deserve just as much attention. If a child cleans their room without being reminded, turns in homework on time, or stays focused on a task, noticing it helps reinforce those choices. A simple “I noticed you stuck with that even when it got tricky” or “Thanks for putting your things away without being asked” goes a long way.

These kinds of comments let children know that their efforts matter and that you’re paying attention, even when things are going smoothly. When kids hear that their positive behaviour is being seen, they feel encouraged to keep it up. It doesn’t have to be over-the-top praise, just honest, specific recognition. Over time, this kind of feedback helps create a home environment where good habits feel natural and appreciated.

Not Saying Sorry When You Should

Parents aren’t perfect, and children don’t expect them to be. Like anyone else, parents can lose their temper, misjudge a situation, or say something they regret. When those moments happen and no apology follows, it can quietly strain the relationship over time. Some parents, especially those raised in older generations, may have grown up with the idea that authority should never be questioned or softened. In that mindset, apologising might feel like losing ground, even though it’s really about building trust.

Apologising to your child doesn’t mean giving up your role. It means showing that everyone is still learning, even grown-ups. A good apology is clear and honest: “I’m sorry I raised my voice earlier. I was frustrated, but that wasn’t fair to you.” That kind of message shows your child you understand how your actions affected them. It also shows that you’re willing to reflect, make things right, and do better next time. Children notice that. When they see a parent take responsibility with calmness and sincerity, they learn how to do the same.

Check out more great articles on parenting here: Are You a Tiger Parent or an Elephant Parent? and Are You a Helicopter Parent or a Free-Range Parent?

"Punishment seeks control; consequence seeks to teach. The difference shapes how children grow."

When your child misbehaves, it’s normal to feel frustrated. You want them to listen, follow through, and behave in ways that make daily life smoother. In those moments, it’s easy to reach for discipline that feels immediate and firm.

That’s where the terms “punishment” and “consequence” often get mixed up. They’re commonly used as if they mean the same thing, but they don’t. One aims to teach, the other to control. How we respond can shape how our children learn to handle their own behavior.

What Are Consequences?

When we talk about consequences, we’re just talking about what happens as a result of something else. It’s the natural outcome that follows a specific action or behaviour. Think of it like this: if you touch a hot stove, your finger gets burned. If you stay up too late, you’re tired the next morning. If you forget your homework, you might get a zero. These are all examples of how actions naturally lead to outcomes. No one has to make it happen, it just does.

Natural consequences are often the best teachers. When kids experience the results of their choices on their own, they begin to understand how the world works. For example, if a child refuses to wear a jacket on a chilly day, they’ll feel cold. No lecture needed. Just a real-world lesson that sticks much better than a scolding.

That said, sometimes parents do need to step in. Not every situation allows for natural consequences to unfold safely or clearly. In those moments, consequences can be something a parent sets, like turning off the tablet after repeated warnings or having a child clean up a mess they made on purpose. The goal isn’t to punish or shame, but to guide. A well-thought-out consequence helps a child understand that their actions have outcomes and encourages them to think ahead next time.

Consequences work best when they’re connected, calm, and meant to teach, not just to get a child to do what you want in the moment. When used thoughtfully, they help build a child’s ability to make better choices, one experience at a time.

What Is Punishment?

Punishment is usually what comes to mind when we think about someone “getting in trouble.” It’s the idea that if a child does something wrong, they’ll face something unpleasant in return. Something that hurts, embarrasses, or scares them into not doing it again. The thinking behind it is: “If this feels bad enough, maybe they won’t do it next time.”

Punishment tends to focus on making a child suffer in some way, either physically, emotionally, or both. For example, a parent might yell at a child and send them to their room for hours after breaking something, or take away a favourite toy for a week without explaining why. These actions don’t really help the child understand their behaviour. Instead, they’re designed to bring discomfort or guilt, hoping that pain will bring change.

Punishment is often fueled by frustration or a need to regain control in the moment. When tempers are high, it’s easy to fall into the trap of reacting harshly, especially if a child has pushed boundaries repeatedly. However, when the focus is on making a child feel bad instead of helping them grow, it rarely leads to real learning. It just creates fear or resentment.

The Problem with Punishment

At first glance, punishment might seem effective. You might hear people say, “Timeout always shuts it down,” or “Yelling gets their attention, so it must be working.” Sure, those things might stop a behaviour in the moment. But that’s usually where the progress ends.

Punishment often comes across as payback, an emotional reaction to something a child did that upset or frustrated a parent. In some homes, it’s used when tensions are already high, which can create more stress and distance in the parent-child relationship. When kids are already feeling misunderstood or overwhelmed, adding punishment to the mix can push them even further away emotionally.

Some parents fall into a “my way or the highway” mindset. This strict, authoritarian approach may control behaviour in the short term, but it doesn’t help children grow. It doesn’t show them how to make better choices next time. Instead, they may feel ashamed or even confused, not just about what they did, but about who they are. Over time, this can chip away at a child’s sense of self-worth, which often leads to more misbehaviour, not less.

Another problem with punishment is that it doesn’t teach. It might stop a child because they’re afraid, not because they’ve learned a better way to handle the situation. They may avoid getting caught next time, rather than avoiding the behaviour itself. Children who are punished frequently may even learn to respond in kind by punishing others through yelling, blaming, or shutting down.

The goal shouldn’t just be about stopping a behaviour in the moment. It should be about helping kids understand their choices, take responsibility, and find better ways to manage their actions. 

Why Consequences Work Better

Unlike punishment, consequences tend to be more effective because they focus on teaching rather than controlling. They help children see how their actions lead to real outcomes, which encourages responsibility and more thoughtful choices.

Natural consequences—things that happen on their own—can be especially helpful. When safe and appropriate, allowing these to happen helps children understand cause and effect in a way that feels fair and logical.

Consequences aren’t just about correcting negative behavior. They can be positive too. Giving rewards or positive outcomes reinforces good behavior. For example, if a child helps clean up without being asked, they might earn extra playtime or a special activity with you. This shows them that positive actions are noticed and appreciated.

While punishment often comes from frustration, consequences are meant to guide. They help children learn what went wrong, what they can do instead, and how to make better choices moving forward. Both positive and negative consequences should give children the chance to learn and try again.

What Are You Really Teaching?

Before reacting to your child’s behaviour, take a moment to pause and reflect. Ask yourself: Am I doing this to teach them something useful? Or am I doing it because I’m angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed? That split second of self-awareness can make a world of difference in how you respond and how your child experiences it.

It’s also worth thinking about what message your reaction is sending. Does your response help your child understand what went wrong and what they can do differently next time? Or are they being held to a standard they couldn’t realistically meet in the first place? Kids are still learning, and part of our job as parents is to guide them in a way that’s fair and clear, not crushing.

Your tone, body language, and choice of words all carry weight. A sharp voice, an eye roll, or a cold stare can quietly deliver messages like, “You’re a disappointment,” or “You’re not good enough.” That may not be your intention, but kids often absorb far more than the words being said.

Another question to consider: Will this teach them to avoid mistakes out of fear or help them grow into someone who learns from their actions? Responses based on fear or shame can create emotional distance. Over time, that can lead to damage that’s hard to undo both to their self-image and your relationship with them.

Lastly, think about what they’re really learning in the moment. Are they seeing a natural outcome of their choice? Or are they just learning to avoid upsetting you? Discipline should help a child understand how their actions affect the world around them, not just how to dodge punishment.

Taking a step back before reacting isn’t always easy, but it helps us respond with purpose, not just emotion, and that’s what helps kids grow in a way that feels safe, respectful, and lasting.

Check out more articles: My Teenager Hates Me and Nurturing Emotional Maturity as a Teenager