"This is sometimes - to the teen in question at least - a gruelling process, as they grapple with new ways of thinking and being."
It may seem that way but they really don’t. Adolescents and teenagers develop a perfectly natural inclination to pull away from parental authority and construct their own sense of self and identity. This is sometimes – to the teen in question at least – a gruelling process, as they grapple with new ways of thinking and being. This growth process can lead to friction, and understandably so. What are some ways of dealing with the little kid who becomes an almost stranger to you overnight?
Try to review boundaries and control. Has screen time always been set in stone? Try easing up on this and other rules for a while if it is the source of all contention. Has bedtime gone from 9pm to who-knows-which-wee-hour of the morning? Try to talk to them about how it makes them feel and why they choose to sleep so late, instead of going straight to complaining and shaking your head at their new habits. Your rules and habits were there for good reasons, reasons which your teenager now chooses to ignore or reject. By understanding the reason why instead of immediately getting angry, you might get closer to a compromise.
Make time for your teenager. Give them all the space they need to form their identities, but make sure you allot times within the week where they know they can reach out to you, or even just be sitting next to you silently watching a movie. Part of making this time available also involves being open to whatever they want to bring up, be it issues with friends, a romantic interest, a difficult class or their physical changes. True, these aren’t conversations that just come up easily, especially if you have not gotten into a habit of asking and being open with each other from a young age, but it is never too late. Start by asking simple questions about their hobbies and friends if it’s hard to get started.
It takes a village to raise a child. Try and cultivate a network of loving, trusting adults in your life who have your teen’s best interests at heart, and who can be people that your teenager can turn to if they find it too hard to confide in you. Maybe your teenager is getting interested in the opposite sex or is curious about topics that you don’t feel comfortable discussing in your home. Having the aunt, uncle or family friend they trust whom they can approach if they are having problems, or if they just want to hang out with and talk to someone they trust who is not a parent, will be incredibly nurturing and helpful for a teenager to grow.
Be the person you want your teenager to be when they grow up. If they only see you being stressed out, complaining about how ungrateful they are, rushing from one thing to another and not taking time out for yourself, chances are they might end up emulating you. If you want them to study hard, show them that you take the time to read books, newspapers and magazines to bring up topics to discuss with them. If you want them to live a good life with a good job, be in a job that makes you happy and gives you balance as well! When they see you living the life you keep telling them you want for them, they might find it easier to grow.
Create shared experiences. Find an activity that you both enjoy doing together and if you can’t find a shared interest, you can always choose to volunteer! There are many volunteer organisations in Singapore that allow a teenager to volunteer along with parent supervision, and you can have an amazing time together helping other people or animals. You can even choose to do volunteering trips abroad, instead of going on a regular holiday. The shared experience working on a project together or just having fun together will create and cement a bond that you will treasure for life.
Some teenagers may be going through the second stage of the toddler’s “terrible twos”, but just as it took bucketfuls of patience back then, it will take an ocean of patience now to deal with a switched off, angry or otherwise indifferent teenager. Try some of the tips above and see for yourself however. There is a good chance that they will come around!
