“Understanding why aggression happens helps make challenging moments more manageable.”

There are plenty of moments when your child’s behaviour fills you with pride and warmth. Their hugs, laughter, and small victories can make even the hardest days feel worth it. Then there are the other moments, tantrums, hitting, yelling, that can leave you frustrated, confused, and wondering what went wrong.
During the toddler and preschool years, children often lack the self-control to express anger calmly, so big feelings tend to come out in messy ways. Understanding what aggression looks like, why it happens, and how to respond can make those challenging moments feel more manageable.
Types of Aggressive Behaviours

Physical Aggression
Physical aggression is usually the first type parents notice. This includes hitting, kicking, biting, pushing, throwing objects, or breaking things. Young children often rely on physical actions to express strong emotions when words and self-control are still developing. These behaviours commonly show up during conflicts over toys, personal space, or rules, especially when emotions are running high.
Verbal Aggression
Verbal aggression involves words meant to hurt or intimidate. Yelling, screaming, name-calling, threats, insults, and spreading rumours fall into this category. As children develop stronger language skills, they may shift away from physical actions and start using words to express anger or frustration. Without guidance, this type of aggression can escalate quickly.
Relational (Social) Aggression
Relational aggression is more subtle but just as serious. It includes bullying, excluding others, manipulating friendships, intimidation, and gossip. Children may use these behaviours to gain control or feel accepted by peers. Because it often happens quietly or out of sight, adults may not notice it right away, even though it can cause deep emotional harm.
Proactive or Planned Aggression
Proactive aggression involves intentional actions meant to cause harm. A child may plan to hurt someone, wait for the right moment to retaliate, or act aggressively to gain power, attention, or revenge. This type isn’t driven by loss of control, but by a goal the child wants to achieve.
Reactive or Impulsive Aggression
Reactive aggression happens in the heat of the moment. A child lashes out when feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, or upset, without stopping to think. This might happen after losing a game, being told no, or feeling embarrassed. These reactions often point to a need for help with emotional regulation and calming strategies, not punishment alone.
Common Causes & Triggers

A lot of aggressive behaviour begins with big emotions that children don’t yet know how to manage. Feelings like anger, frustration, or anxiety can build quickly, and without the tools to express them calmly, kids may act out physically or verbally. In many cases, aggression signals emotional overload rather than bad intent.
Some aggressive behaviour is also part of normal development, especially in younger children. Toddlers are learning independence and testing limits as they figure out how the world works. Grabbing toys, pushing, or saying “no” repeatedly can show up during this stage. Concern grows when these behaviours don’t ease with age or start happening more often and with greater intensity.
Communication challenges can add to the problem. When children can’t clearly express what they want or need, frustration rises fast. Jealousy toward siblings, friends, or attention they feel they’re missing can also play a role. Without the words to explain these feelings, aggressive actions may become their way of being noticed.
Outside influences matter too. Tension at home, family conflict, or sudden changes can leave children feeling unsettled. School struggles, bullying, academic stress, or past trauma may show up through aggression. Repeated exposure to violent media can also shape how children view conflict, especially when aggression appears normal or rewarded.
How Parents Can Help Prevent Aggression

One of the best starting points is teaching clear family rules. Children aren’t born knowing what behaviour is expected, so they need simple and consistent guidance. Explain the rules in a way they can understand and revisit them often. Clear expectations help children feel secure and reduce confusion that can lead to acting out.
It also helps to look for the “why” behind aggressive behaviour. Instead of focusing only on what happened, pay attention to patterns and triggers. Hunger, exhaustion, overstimulation, or feeling left out can quickly lead to emotional overload. Noticing these signals allows you to step in early and prevent bigger meltdowns.
Your own response plays a big role as well. Young children don’t have much self-control yet, so they rely on adults to model it. Staying calm during difficult moments shows them how to handle anger without hitting, kicking, or biting. Gently encourage them to use words to express feelings, even if those words are very simple.
Avoid using threats when correcting behaviour. Statements like “Stop it or else” often lead to fear or power struggles. A more helpful approach is teaching alternatives. Show your child what they can do instead, such as asking for help, taking a break, or using a calming technique when emotions rise.
Healthy distractions can also be useful. While children are still learning how to respond appropriately, redirecting their attention can prevent an outburst. Changing the activity, moving to a different space, or offering something calming can give emotions time to settle and make later conversations easier.
When to Worry

Some behaviours signal a need for extra support. Ongoing defiance, bullying, cruelty toward people or animals, deliberate destruction of property, or aggression connected to anxiety, mood struggles, or other mental health concerns shouldn’t be dismissed as a phase.
If aggressive behaviour continues or intensifies, reaching out to your child’s paediatrician is a good next step. They can help rule out developmental concerns, screen for emotional or behavioural challenges, and guide you toward additional resources if needed.
Physical harm is another clear sign to take action. Bites that break skin, frequent bruises, head injuries, or situations where your child hurts themselves or others require immediate attention. Safety should always be the priority.
Social consequences matter too. Being sent home from school, excluded from activities, or avoided by neighbours during playtime suggests the behaviour is affecting everyday life. Trust your instincts as well. If you feel concerned about the safety of siblings, peers, or caregivers, that concern deserves attention.
Remember, one of the most effective ways to reduce aggressive behaviour is by providing a stable, secure home environment. Firm, loving discipline, clear boundaries, and close supervision during the toddler and preschool years help children feel safe and learn healthier ways to manage their emotions.
Check out more articles: Steps to Take If Your Child Is the Bully and How to Manage Toddler Meltdowns: A Guide for Parents.
































































































































